The importance of limits and rules

What are rules and limits?

The limit tells the child: “This is as far as you can go, no further”. The rule is the way in which limits are translated into everyday life. Each family has to set its own rules.

Limits give the child security to face the world. Rules set the organisation necessary for a family, and by extension any other form of coexistence, to function. Through rules, the child learns what is allowed and what is not, and for this it is necessary to say “no” sometimes, and to maintain it whenever necessary.

The importance of communication

The way we communicate in the family is fundamental to the successful establishment of limits and rules. Everything we do in life is accompanied by communication. When the message is not expressed clearly, or the interlocutor does not understand what we want to say, barriers appear that cause difficulties in relationships. The same thing happens with children. If parents are clear about the message they want to convey, if they make sure that their children understand them, if they listen to what they have to say, a relationship of respect and understanding can be established. This will prevent arguments from arising, and help to find moments of understanding.

Good communication at home is essential to establish a calm, peaceful and happy coexistence. Communication serves to:

• Establish contact with others.
• Give or receive information.
• Express or understand what we think.
• Transmit our feelings.
• Share or put something in common.
• To relate to others.

Elements that facilitate communication

• Active listening: which consists of maintaining a behaviour that makes the child understand that you are paying attention to what he/she is saying, such as looking at his/her face or standing at his/her level to talk to him/her.
• Motivational skills and social reinforcement, which consist of pointing out to the child how much we enjoy communicating with him/her by saying things such as: “I love it when we talk”, “Now I understand what you want”, help to maintain attention and avoid distractions. It is very necessary to look for appropriate and frequent moments to talk to children, they will feel that they are important, it will give them security and peace of mind, and it will provide us with information about how they feel and we will be able to detect worries, fears, problems, etc.
• Empathy: which is the ability to put oneself in the other person’s place. The aim is to understand how important their things are for the child, even if for the adult they seem unimportant.

To implement these communication facilitators it is necessary to develop the following skills:

• Giving positive information.
• To give coherent messages that do not give rise to contradictions.
• Expressing feelings, both those that are pleasant and those that are not (there are no good or bad feelings, some are pleasant and others are unpleasant. We must learn to express them and manage them appropriately).
• Express an emotional climate of affection and respect.
• Ask and listen to the opinion of others.

When we communicate a verbal message, our words are accompanied by gestures, postures, tone of voice, looks and other resources that constitute non-verbal communication. This is very important, as we must try to ensure that there is coherence between verbal and non-verbal communication.

Dialogue

Both the excess and the lack of dialogue hinder communication, and in most cases produce distancing between parents and children.

• Excessive dialogue should be avoided, the child should be given time to understand what has been said, and afterwards he/she can be asked what he/she thinks.
• We also have to avoid a lack of dialogue. Due to the lack of dialogue, it may seem that conflicts decrease, since not talking may reduce arguments and friction. But the opportunity to share moments in which everyone expresses things that bond them affectively is lost, and in the long run this can generate important problems. It is necessary to find and set aside moments every day to listen to each other, keeping an open attitude towards different opinions, and with a predisposition to listen to what each other has to say.
• Children must be taught to communicate, making them see that what they say is important, and therefore so are they. Families that prioritise communication do not avoid conflicts, but face them and learn resources and strategies to be able to resolve them.

Authority

The exercise of authority is often a source of conflict, but it is further complicated when it is not exercised in the right way. It is important for children to identify a valid model of authority. To gain recognition for authority, parents can:

+ Establish rules of operation that take into account the needs of the family members, i.e. rely on what the child needs.

+ Reach a consensus among those who exercise authority (usually the father and mother) on what they want to achieve and follow the same line. Once decided, communicate it to the rest of the family, grandparents, carers, etc. so that there is coherence in the messages given to the child.

+ Comply with and enforce the rules that have been agreed upon. It is necessary to put into practice what has been planned, and to be coherent and constant in the application of the consequences that derive both from the fulfilment and non-fulfilment of these rules, which have been previously established and communicated.

Some ideas for maintaining authority:

• Have good humour, serenity and patience.
• Maintain a coherent line of action.
• Agree as a couple on how to educate each child.
• Pay attention to the child’s interests and problems.
• Do not show discrepancies between both parents in front of the children.
• It is necessary to be firm and constant in the application of the rules, without forgetting that at certain times it is also necessary to be flexible, and never forget to show affection.
• Positively reinforce and give value to those moments when the child behaves appropriately.
• Encourage autonomy and freedom, and at the same time encourage them to acquire responsibilities.

The value of “no”

One of the most important difficulties when it comes to applying limits in the family is the fear that arises when it is necessary to say no to a child’s demands. What is feared in particular is not knowing how to control the child’s reaction to the refusal.

In order to consistently maintain limits, parents often have to say “no” and not give in to their children’s demands. When we say “no”, we should not feel guilty, as this will help them to mature and grow. Moreover, saying “no” serves as a learning experience for when they are adults, as the reality is that things will not always go their way, but they will have to face many frustrations, and learn to manage the frustration tolerance of not getting what they want when they want it when they want it. Such frustration tolerance is learned when parents say “no” and stick to it. If a child never faces an adult’s “no”, they will find it much harder to cope with adversity and situations where they do not get what they want, and they will not acquire resources and strategies to help them cope appropriately.

• Saying “no” when it is fair and necessary, does not blame the person who says it, and educates the listener.
• A “no” said with conviction and emphasis helps the child and is better tolerated. On the other hand, a not very credible “no” is worthless.
• Nor should we fall into saying “no” to everything the child asks for, as this leads to stifling the child’s initiative, and to the child not being communicative.

The Importance of limits

All children want and need to understand the rules of each of the contexts in which they live (school, home, playground, etc). They need to know how far they can go, and what happens when they overstep those limits. If nothing happens, i.e. if there are no consequences, they will continue to overstep those limits.

Limits provide security

Setting limits and rules allows children to feel safe and secure because they know who they can count on to guide their learning.

Limits also provide children with emotional security, because new things are disconcerting. Boundaries give them direction to guide their behaviour. Parents who clearly inform their children how to do things, and how far they can go, make their lives predictable, and as a result give them security. Children who are governed by fair rules know what happens when they don’t follow them.

Boundaries help children learn appropriate behaviours

When limits are clear and do not change constantly, children know whether their behaviour is appropriate or not, and also what the consequences are for breaking a rule.

Limits are a fundamental learning experience for adult life.

When limits are set at home, it is inevitable that disputes will arise, as the child will most likely try to break them. A calm, quiet and consistent attitude on the part of parents is essential to overcome conflict, and for the child to learn that he/she cannot always do what he/she wants. On the one hand, this attitude is more convincing than shouting or threatening, and on the other hand, it serves as a model for the child, who will imitate the parents’ way of behaving when he or she has to solve his or her own conflicts.

If the limits and their consequences are correctly defined, the child learns to make decisions. For example: “What do I do, do I eat my dinner so I can have ice cream later, or do I choose not to eat and forgo dessert? This helps children to take responsibility for the consequences of their behaviour. Little by little, they learn that they are the ones who set their own limits. At first they need the limit to come from outside, to be set by their parents, but eventually they will set the rules that direct their behaviour. Once they become adults, they will not need someone to tell them how to act, as they will have learned and internalised when behaviour is appropriate and when it is not.

Boundaries help build relationships

One of the things children explore most often is the degree of control or power their parents have over them. Experience teaches them how far they can go, and where they stand in relation to other family members. At first this learning takes place in the family, and later extrapolates to other environments where authority exists, such as school.

A child with unclear and undefined boundaries asks questions such as “who swims here?” or “how far can I go?”, and struggles incessantly with the rules governing the organisation of the group. This attitude can spill over into other contexts, and for example can lead to behavioural problems at school, which can also lead to social problems with peers. It is important that it is clearly explained to the child what he/she can do, by establishing appropriate limits and continuously monitoring that they are complied with, this will help to avoid tyrannical, demanding and aggressive behaviour in the different contexts in which he/she develops.

How to given an order

1. Limit ourselves to a single instruction

Use language that the child understands according to his or her age and personal characteristics. If we address him in these terms: “Stop playing, pick up, get your pyjamas ready, and when you are in the bathroom, let me know”, the child, when he is halfway there, will no longer remember what we have asked him to do, and will most likely continue playing in his room. Their attention span and attention span is limited. As he gets older, we can give him several commands or instructions at once.

2. Orders and instructions need to be clear

Children need us to ask them very clearly and specifically what we want and expect from them. The difference between “wash yourself” and “wash your hands and comb your hair” is big.

3. Pause to see if the child has understood.

It can be useful to repeat what to do, and the consequences of doing it or not, to check that they have understood our message.

4. Repeat the message

This step is only necessary if the child did not know how to do what we asked him/her to do.

5. Helping them to do what we have asked them to do

We can accompany him and initiate the action with him. Once he has started to do it, we withdraw so that he can continue on his own. This helps him to focus on the task and not get distracted by other matters.

6. Reinforce him when he listens to us

It is important to positively reinforce the child with comments such as: “I am very happy with what you have done”, “I think you have made a great effort”, “you are getting better and better at it”, etc.

We tend to be selective and focus on the negative, overlooking the positive. Avoid giving orders or instructions that emphasise negative behaviour. For example: “don’t shout”, “don’t pick up the TV remote control”, “don’t pull the curtain”.

When we mark negative orders, we are pointing out what the child should not do, but we are not telling him/her what is appropriate. Messages such as: “speak softly, so I can hear you better”, “give me the remote control so I can put it away”, “play here at the table instead of behind the armchair”. In this way the child knows what we are asking of him/her, and can carry out the appropriate behaviour.

Another risk of speaking in the negative is to fall into chronic nagging. When parents do not tell the child what he/she can do, and limit themselves to prohibiting behaviours, they are encouraging the child to repeat them, as this is a way of receiving attention. It is advisable to give the instruction and order in a positive way, and in this way to propose alternative behaviours.